Hey lady, why so ragey?

Have you ever wondered “why am I so angry”?  I certainly have.  One day I was talking with a former colleague, and she shared a recent decision made at that institution, which I would consider short-sighted.  It made me angry.  Really angry, like ragey angry.  

“What is ragey angry”, you may ask? Merriam Webster defines rage as "very strong and uncontrolled anger."  I have turned up the dial to call it ragey, which I would describe as “intense verbalization of extreme and uncontrolled anger." It is a very close relative to its cousin, "ranty."  This ragey feeling is inappropriate anger for a privileged mother of 4 who no longer works at that place and who has a sweet and lovely life. 

I noticed recently this ragey, ranty feeling stopped being the exception for my life and started being the norm and my familiar pattern. My kids and husband lived in this very unpredictable environment; they didn't know what would make me so angry; they just knew the triggers were many, and I was really, really mad.  This overwhelming anger altered my mood, I was always grumpy, and my family felt the wrath.  I, too, felt so unhappy. This pattern became so typical for me, I noted the change from my previous self, and left me asking myself, “hey lady, why so ragey?”

Have you ever had those moments where you are inexplicably angry? Where do you feel triggered, and the resulting rage ruins the entire day or time?  Have you ever had an incident alter your mood and you go from good to bad in a matter of moments? If I am honest, with me it was becoming a daily trend and one I was not proud of, and it brought me great shame.  I thought I should have more control over my life, my emotions, but why didn't I?  What was stopping me from having happiness in my life and allowing the anger to dominate?

While on vacation, at a cottage when the noise of my daily life had been turned down, an “aha moment” came to me while I was near the water.  I was paddling in a kayak on water that looked like a mirror.  A place where the stillness allowed me to truly reflect.  It came to me in a quiet moment when I stopped and was sitting in peace on the water - I am trying to control things I can not control.  

In the last few years, I have found myself hyper-focused on work.  I was committed; I worked day and night, I believed I was making a meaningful contribution and making positive changes. The changes never really came, the stress continued to mount, and work became all-consuming.  For the first time in my life, I had to walk away, leave, and give up, which I had never really done.  I felt like a failure.  I struggled to accept that I could not control this situation, and it made me very angry.  Some may say, “ragey!”

Was I hyper-focused on my daily work because working on my personal stuff was even harder? I realized that failing at work was one thing, but failing at my family stuff was very scary.  So scary that I poured all of my energy into work and avoided my home stuff.  Maybe I am too hard on myself, perhaps I was responding to a demanding work environment, and I got sucked in?  There is no villain in this story, no evil genius trying to thwart a good person, just a perfectionist trying to strive, achieve and who genuinely struggles with control.

As a therapist, I often give advice and observations to my clients, and one of the frequent statements is, "you cannot make anyone do anything; the sooner you accept this truth, the sooner you move forward.”  I have decided to listen to that wise advice.

I have always tried to control things in my life.  It helps me to feel happy.  I don't think I am alone.  You, too, may have had moments where you have tried to control things.   If so, what did/do you try to control in your life?  Think about those things you are trying to manipulate and control right now.  How many of them do you really have control over?

I have realized and accepted; I have control over myself.  Only myself. I am going to turn my attention to moving forward.  I will turn the wasted energy I previously reserved for rage into productive energy reserved for my family and me.   I am breaking that perfectionist pattern and turning my attention to achievable goals.   It's scary.  I might fail, but at least I know I have a fighting chance.  I hope my kids see a happier and healthier human, with more space for worthwhile endeavors and less rage and anger spilling over into all the uncontrollable parts of our lives.

What patterns do you need to tackle?  Where do you need to begin?

I can help; I've been there too.