Easy on me

I have been listening to the new Adele song, Easy On Me.  If you haven’t heard it I encourage you to give it a listen.  It is a song that she has openly said is about her divorce, the break-up of her marriage, and the difficulty that came with that life event. As the song plays over and over in my head I can not shake the beautiful chorus which begins, “Go easy on me, baby”.  I am not sure if it’s her magnificent voice or her authentic human plea for mercy, compassion, and kindness that stays with me. I wonder if we were to sing the beginning of this chorus — asking for compassion when we speak to ourselves, or enter into conflict with our loved ones — would we have a happier life and better relationships?

Adele is asking for understanding, to forgive her for past mistakes, and to recognize that she did the best she could at the time. What would happen if we gave ourselves that space?  What if we gave everyone we love the benefit of the doubt?  What would that look like for our relationships with our partner, our children, and our friends? What would it mean to “go easy” on yourself?  I can think of a few ways that individuals could apply this approach that may yield positive results. Three areas come quickly to mind, communication, attitude, and impact.

When I talk about communication, I am not talking about the words you utter but how you utter them. How do you come to the table to communicate?  When your child has made a bad decision or your partner has not met your expectations or a friend has let you down.  How do you let them know?  How would you talk about this with them….cue the chorus, “Go easy on me, baby”. Gently. Raise the concern in a gentle way, not harshly, yelling and screaming (sometimes called the “Yelly Pants Method”).  Dr. John and Julie Gottman talk about gentle start ups as an important way to raise conflict in relationships.  It helps to set the tone for a productive discussion and makes space for emotion and real communication. They assert that conflict in relationships is ever-present, and having better communication tools when dealing with conflict will help. Enter gentle start up.

When you have an issue that has caused conflict, what is your attitude?  Do you give the opposing party the benefit of the doubt?  Do you believe the individual had the best of intentions or do you automatically go to the negative? “They have done it again, this is intentional to hurt me, what a jerk!”  Where is the benefit of the doubt in all of this? Could the individual simply have made a mistake? This is important because so much of our conflict comes with the people we love: partners, children, family, and friends. Remember, these are the people we love more than anyone in the world; give them the benefit of the doubt, “Go easy on me baby”.

What is the impact you want out of the conflict? When you go into conflict ask yourself, what do I want out of this? Do you want results, do you want understanding, do you want changed behaviour?  Or are you looking for a venue for Princess Yelly Pants (self-declared title) to let ‘er rip?  This is important because conflict is not good for anyone and is rarely comfortable and life-giving. So ask yourself, what is the impact I want and how do I get the best results?  

Finally, what if you didn’t just apply this little lyric to your loved ones?  What if you could apply this self-compassion to your own life?  What if the times when you fail or don’t meet your own expectations, you could speak more gently to yourself? Could you give yourself the benefit of the doubt? Could you be kinder? Would this approach, applied in your own life, result in a little less inner critic dominance and a better day? A better week? A better year?

I am confident there are complex situations in which this approach will not apply.  Sometimes the conflict involves the ugliest aspects of hurt and betrayal and I acknowledge this might not fit. You are a smart person, you know your life best, and I wonder if there could be wisdom in this simple idea? Could this approach help make your life, your family, and your world more peaceful?  Is this new approach, that employs empathy as the active agent, something that just might work? I encourage you, (if you can) when dealing with loved ones and yourself to choose mercy, compassion, and kindness. Try the experiment, see if it gives more space for productive humanity and a more pleasant loving life.

Cue the chorus…….. “Go easy on me baby.”